Seeing someone that you know you’ll never see alive again…

Yesterday was a tough day.

I worked til almost 8pm last night.

I got home and took a shower. Ate dinner. And started watching netflix.

Then I got up to go outside to smoke a cigarette.

It was then that I looked at my phone and noticed that my brother had tried to get in touch with me.

He had sent me a message on Facebook asking if I still had the same phone number.

Seeing that message, I already knew what he was trying to get in touch with me about.

I went outside and as I was responding to my brothers message I noticed that my father had also tried to get in touch with me.

So I called my dad, and he told me that at 7:30pm last night, my grandmother passed away.

My family and I had not been very close because of the fact that I was always getting in trouble.

I had spent most of my adult life incarcerated and because of that, my family had distanced themselves from me.

But since coming home after a 7 year prison sentence and working extremely hard to better myself, I’ve been repairing the bridges I had burned with my family.

They gave me a chance to prove I was done with the bullshit.

And I most certainly have been.

No more bullshit.

No more trouble.

I’m older now, and I’m ready to find the success I know I can achieve.

In December of this past year, my father invited me to his home where my grandmother and aunt were visiting.

This was the first time in probably like 15 years I had seen my grandmother and aunt.

I was so happy to see them, and I had so much to tell them about.

I had just been released from prison on October 13th and since then I had been working like a mad man to find a good job, and also to get AfterPrisonShow off the ground.

I wanted to show my family all the hard work I was putting into the idea of turning my life around.

I showed my grandmother the videos we had created up until that point and she was so proud of me and what I was trying to accomplish.

I spent the afternoon at my fathers home with my grandmother and it was an amazing feeling reuniting with her.

But it was also bittersweet.

I knew leaving that afternoon that that would be the last time I would see my grandmother alive.

She had been battling cancer and it was progressively getting worse. And this reunion of sorts was just for that exact reason…

For me to see my grandmother one last time before she passed.

How the hell do you say goodbye to someone you know you will never see again.

It’s only now that shes gone that I sit and ask myself should I have done more.?

I’m sure its always like that.

My grandmother lives in Massachusetts so visiting wasn’t really feasible for me. Hell, I’m not even supposed to leave the state.

Her funeral is next Wednesday.

I’m hoping my probation will allow me to attend that.

I remember telling my grandmother that I’m really going to make something of myself. And I remember the slight skepticism I saw in her reaction to hearing that.

They had heard it all before. So I couldn’t help but accept that.

My track record isn’t exactly one to assure positive results.

But even since telling my grandmother that I’d make her proud of me one day on that afternoon at my fathers house, so many months ago, I’ve stayed the course and I’ve kept driven like no one else I know.

Her passing only intensifies that drive inside me to make it….

Not only for myself but also for my family.

I miss you Grandma Grace and I know your in a better place now watching down over me.

Even though your gone, I know your going to see me make it.

Rest in peace Grandma Grace.