A character caricatured…The one and only CoffeeMan

There is a man in here that sleep in the bunk next to mine who everyone calls “CoffeeMan”.

He got this name because he has one of the worst addictive mentalities I have ever seen.

All he does is sleep for days at a time, literally…

And drink coffee when he is not asleep.

He does all sorts of shit, to get a cup of coffee too.

Nothing sexual though, if maybe your mind was running a little.

Though I’m sure that would not be out of the question if he couldn’t get a cup of coffee any other way.

Coffeeman will wash dishes, sell certain meals in the chow hall, even write your girlfriend a letter for you if you don’t feel like doing so yourself.

All for a cup of coffee.

In the past two weeks, I’ve seen him slip even further into a state of unconcern from anything besides sleep and coffee.

It’s sad really.

Even more sad when you think about how this guy goes home in less than 3 months!

In the last few weeks he has quit his job where he was working at in the kitchen and dropped out of school where he was working towards his GED.

Oh by the way, Coffeeman is like 40 something years old…

He will contribute nothing of value to the free world.

Unless possibly you need something stolen from Wal-Mart that is.

Oh, he would be the perfect guy for the job. If you need someone to walk into Wal-mart load up a grocery cart and walk out the front door with it if you need it. Coffeeman is the guy if you need someone like that.

And he will do it all for oh I don’t know maybe a couple bags of coffee…

A little crack cocaine.

Coffeeman is the very definition of a “loser” in life.

It’s unfortunate really, but there is not much you can do to help the unwilling.

Those who aren’t willing to try and help themselves…

I have personally tried to help this guy in whatever way I can. But it is impossible to try and save a sinking ship.

I’ll end with this…

Coffeeman has a buddy named “Serial Killer” you remember him right?

Well, one day before Coffeeman had completely quit school and life as it would seem, Serial Killer tried to wake him up.

“Come on”, he said. “Get up!”

“Aren’t you going to go to school?” Serial Killer asked.

Coffeeman just tossed and turned under his morbid sheets and grunted.

“Tell him Coffeeman”. I interjected.

“Tell him”.

“Fuck School”!

“Who needs a GED when all you are going to do is go home and smoke crack”! I concluded.

coffee0002

Advertisements

Characters caricatured…Serial Killer and Panty Bandit

Hey what’s up everyone!

Do you remember Valentine’s Day for a serial killer?

Want a little idea of what the guys I motioned in that story look like?

Want to see those characters caricatured

Well as promised here is Johnny aka Panty Bandit and Serial Killer

serialk0003pantybandit0004

A Character Caricatured… My Mural Painting buddy Shelton

I’ve mentioned Shelton by name in at least one previous story… “The Gay Notebook.” But I know he’s been a part of a few other ones too.

“Ticket Fever and a Mural Mishap…” the other mural painter who was with me when we could have easily ignited a turf war between 2 rival gangs all because of a giant colorful spot we accidently painted behind a building… Yep, that was Shelton with me.

Shelton is a really good friend of mine and someone I can talk to anytime I’m on the brink of self-destructing.

He is about 10 years my senior, and a lot of times I make fun of him for being old. But in all actuality I’ve probably got just as much grey hair as he does, and I’m 10 years younger than him!

Being as I act terribly immature for my 31 years, Shelton is WAY more mature than me. He’s also a lot more humble too.

I admire his ability to cope with incarceration and even more years than me spent in prison and still has his wits about himself.

I gain a lot of insight talking with Shelton and he is guaranteed to pop up in more stories to come in the future.

Image

 

A Character Caricatured… My Bunkie Kenny

Meet my Bunkie “Kenny” he sleeps on the top bunk above my bunk.

When Kenny first moved into my housing unit and I first saw him the first thing I noticed were the 2 tattoos on his FACE!

On one side of his face he has “I AM WHO I AM” tatted from his sideburn down to his chin. Sort of like a chin strap beard. Why he has this, I have no idea.

He claims to have no idea, either. But it is pretty self-explanitory as to what it means.

Kenny “is who he is.”

On the other side of this face, he has a smaller tattoo which is a little harder to make out.

It’s positioned roughly between his sideburn and his chin only more so-centered.

This tattoo says “GOD’S GIFT”

When I first noticed this tattoo I asked Kenny what the hell it meant.

“What, do you think you’re God’s Gift to women?” I asked.

“Does that represent how well you THINK you talk to them?!?”

Kenny has a very psychopath type of way to himself. He is very weird. Yet, at the same time, he is also pretty awesome.

When I asked him about the God’s Gift tattoo, he turned very slowly to look at me with his beady little squinty eyes and responded.

“I’m pretty good at eatin’ vagina.” He said.

Have you ever met someone who is smart, but also dumb as hell at the same time.

Well, that’s Kenny.

One day he wanted to prove that he could figure out Meeko’s locker combination. So he put his ear to the lock, and started turning the dial. Next thing you know “pop.”

Kenny had picked the lock.

Meeko said Kenny had just gotten lucky. So Kenny picked up someone else’s lock and did the same thing.

He put the lock to his ear, turned the dial, and “pop.”

Another lock picked.

We were all awed by Kennys’ awesomeness.

That is until he tried to open his own locker soon after.

All that lock picking and number sequence remembering had caused him to forget his own damn locker combination.

It took him an hour to remember the code.

One day me and Kenny were sitting in group and he had a blank confiscation form in his hand. A confiscation form is given to prisoners when contraband is seized from them by an officer.

I asked Kenny why he has the form and what he planned to do with it.

“I’m going to fill it out and put it on Meekos’ bed.” Kenny said.

Kenny filled out the form.

Where it said item confiscated, Kenny wrote “18 inch pink dildo.”

Where it said reason for confiscation, he wrote “larger size needed.”

As he filled out the form, the two of us sat in group snickering like simpleton idiots we tend to be when engaging in such immature endeavors.

Kenny said he had to wait to put Meekos’ name on the form until he could sneak a peek and his prison I.D. that way he could properly fill out the form with Meekos’ full name and state prison number.

So, that was it for the moment. The joke was over.

The day continued.

I forgot about the form.

I guess Kenny did too.

Later that evening, after I had gotten back from work, Kenny told me some funny shit.

He told me that he had gotten called over to medical and that when he left; the officer working medical searched him.

Kenny had forgotten that the confiscation form was in his pocket.

The C.O. pulled the folded up form out from Kennys’ pocket and asked “what’s this?”

Kenny said the officer read the confiscation form with the 18 inch pink dildo that had been confiscated due to a larger size being needed.

The form still had no name on it so the C.O. who luckily wasn’t too much of a dick, played right along with it.

As if the form belonged to Kenny the officer said, “You might want to keep this to yourself.”

Kenny is a smart guy.

Sometimes,

But, he is also dumb as hell, too.

Image

Characters-Caricatured…The guy’s I’m incarcerated with

A lot of these guys I’m incarcerated with are some real characters…

Because of that, I came up with an awesome idea and a new twist to be added to what is already so much of an in-depth look at my life incarcerated.

“Characters-Caricatured.”

Each caricature will be of a guy I know here in prison. Plus a little story about what makes each guy unique and interesting and deserving of being mentioned here on JoeWritesHisWrongs.

Believe me. All of these guys are unique and interesting and deserving of being mentioned. Plus, now when I tell stories you might have a little more understanding and background on some of these individuals mentioned.

Will I get everyone caricatures who I mention in my stories?

Probably not!

But I’m definitely going to try and get the most important people mentioned caricatured.

Some guys will have real names like “Shep,” “Meeko,” “Shelton,” “Kenny…”

But others will have “nicknames” like Mr. I’m too good for prison and I think I belong on a Hollywood set with a trailer and a latte.”

Its guys like this that will probably end up being the funniest of all… Or at least I’ll damn sure make sure all of you see what I think is so damn funny about these guys.

So to save face and embarrassment, code names must be used for them.

Caricatures, much like cartoons, are something I really enjoy creating.

I have definitely wanted to utilize them on my blog and now I have found a way to do so.

I hope you enjoy the cartoon version of the guys I AM IN SOME CASES forced to deal with.

Oh, and by the way, “Mr. I’m too good for prison and I think I belong on a Hollywood set with a trailer and a latte…” he is real.

I will introduce him to you.

Only first, I have to figure out how to get him to sit down for 10 minutes so I can draw him.

Especially considering he hates me!