Am I talking to a dead man

It’s got to be the fact that I just found out that this guy Nassar died and how he just left this prison in Oct of last year…

And how my good friend Justin Hobbs died just a short time before him…

After he had just been released just a short time before also…

And how two other guys also died both a little before Hobbs

Both who just recently went home from this prison as well…

It’s got me thinking about all that that’s got me questioning if I am talking to a dead man as I sit talking with this guy in a wheelchair. A guy I mentioned in a few previous stories.

A guy who aside from his own horrible health has a whole list other problems that are sure to handicap him.

Especially after released.

The point I’m trying to make is after seeing so many guys come and go from prison…

So many guys gotten out just to come right back.

Or guys who have gotten out only to die from drug overdose a short time after…

I’ve begun to feel like at this point if I can get out and kinda feel like I stand a chance out there…

And who is gonna get out and stand no chance in the world of making it…

But this isn’t 100% fool proof. I mean, I really thought Hobbs would make it and I was completely floored when I heard Hobbs died.

But wheelchair is one of those guys that I feel absolutely has no chance in making it in the real world.

As is CoffeeMan.

Want to know another guy I felt didn’t stand a chance…

Sadly, it was Nassar.

I mean, even in prison, addiction plagued this guy’s life.

He stayed getting high.

He stayed catching “dirty urine”

He stayed going to the hole because of that.

It’s unfortunate to have to admit this…

But I’m not surprised to hear about this guy’s death…

What’s crazy is when Jen asked me if I knew a guy named Nassar…

I immediately knew she was going to tell me he was dead.

Crazy right?

That’s why as I’m talking to Wheelchair I question whether or not I’m talking to a dead man.

And it’s not because this guy has a drug problem but it’s because he has so many other problems.

His attitude for one…

And the way he gets so confrontational with people.

I mean, someone could very well kill this guy after he gets released…

I’ve seen this guy beaten up at least twice already while here once in complete blood bath like fashion for the way he runs off at the mouth.

Prison doesn’t care if you’re in a wheelchair either.

No one is above getting beaten up here or even killed here.

The same could easily be said about being out there in the real world.

So, as wheelchair and I talk I wonder am I talking to a dead man?

A guy who will get out and be like so many others who died a short time after their release.

Or, maybe it will be CoffeeMan, instead…

Or maybe both of them…

Or maybe neither of them…

Or maybe it will be someone else completely…

Someone I never expected it to be…

Maybe it will be me.

Someone said to me it is the ones you think don’t stand a chance that will actually go out there and make it.

But I don’t necessarily agree with that logic.

I believe I have a more sound theory

If I’m in prison and I talk to nine guys…

Me making the tenth guy …

Then out of us ten…

Six are going to come back to prison…

Two are going to die…

And two are going to make it. As in really make it.

Like leave prison as a part of their past never to return again.

And with this theory of mine…

I really hope I’m one of the two who can make it.

Because it would really suck if as I am sitting here questioning whether or not I’m talking to a dead man…

And that potential dead man is me.

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9 thoughts on “Am I talking to a dead man

  1. Believe what you want to believe… not what any studies or other people say. Only you is you. And only you decide in which direction to go. No one can make you anything unless you agree. Never lose that out of sight!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Joe & Jen,

    It’s been too long since my last visit, but your always in my heart! XO

    Joe, you really captured my feelings with this personal share of your feelings and insights. I know it is way easier said then done when you have had your freedom taken, and I’m out here in the world trying to help make a difference to help others in recovery. And to KEEP myself in recovery as well.

    So sorry to here about friends you have lost. I’m sure prison is not an easy road. But you need to keep in mind the reasons WHY you are there, and fight like hell to keep your wits about you.
    You have taken accountability for choices you made, and now making them right. I’m pretty sure your self worth and confidence being in prison can get pretty low, but you are so talented, and worth more than you know.

    My husband had worked in a county community justice job taking jail inmates out to do community service time. Yes, there are those guys who have made the choice not to change, and they keep going in and out of jail. But there are those men who learn in jail, and want to be a positive part of society, and to change their lives when they get out. Many are successful at doing that.

    And I know this myself first hand due to my past gambling addiction. I may not have done prison, but I was arrested for theft, and did a bit of jail time and community service and probation. All due to one BAD CHOICE. BUT, I also knew that I wasn’t going to let it define who I am. We all make mistakes in life at one time or another. But, we also deserve a second chance.

    So keep your self worth and confidence high Joe. You will have many blessings and open doors when you get out. And know you many friends out here who wish all the best for you!! Especially me my friend! 🙂 🙂

    God Bless,
    *Catherine*

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think with your attitude, and Jen as support, you’ll be okay. Some of those guys you thought would make it might not have had anyone to lean on when their demons showed up. Support can be a huge thing. Did you have a good support system when you made your mistakes? Even if you did, did you have the attitude? You need both, and I think you are on the right track. I’m hopeful you remain there.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow, that is so beautifully written… I have no doubt that you can make it. I can’t pretend to know anything about prison or about the people you meet there but just the fact that you are writing this blog and thinking of all these issues shows me that you have “it”. That it that makes it possible for you to succeed where others don’t. I wish you the best and look forward to reading more of your blog.

    Namaste

    Michelle

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You’re making it now. Your words transcend your prison and every part of you will, too. We’re not just reading you, we’re rooting for you, Joe. Stay strong, stay honest, and stay as free as you can even during imprisonment.

    Liked by 1 person

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