Well… I certainly have been slacking here. And there is no real good reason for why. I have got my plate full to say the least. My job painting murals takes up a lot of my day here. Then soccer… not only am I a big time player, I am the captain, coach, and one of the commissioners too. So there goes even more time out of my day.
I haven’t had any time to work on any personal work all week. My art has suffered because of that. My blog… my poor beautiful Joewriteshiswrongs.
I told my Bunkie Kenny I said “there just isn’t enough time in the day to get everything done I would like too.”
I said “Don’t you ever just wish we had like a couple extra of hours in the day, every day?”
Kenny simply responded by saying “Dude…you’re fucking tripping.”
Other things have been going on too which brings me to what this post is all about…
Crashing the car.
“Crashing the car” is a little prison lingo that refers to having something good that is fucking it up. mostly, this saying is used for when it comes to a guy here in prison and how he deals with a chick he is dealing with out there in the world. Especially if he is fucking the whole situation up.
A guy might say something like “Joe can’t drive… he is about to crash the car.” This is just an example, though. Please don’t take this as something anyone would EVER say because I am actually quite “the driver”. Maybe to the likes of a stunt driver a nascar driver. Something like that. Guys literally envy me to NOT crash the car.
Well…they either envy it or hate on it.
I have seen many guys here crash many cars. Maybe that is why I drive so well. Or maybe it is because I recognize where they messed up and I avoid that at all cost in my own day to day deals of the relationships I have with people out there in free society.
Or maybe it’s because I am not a jackass.
But as of lately, things have began to change a little.
More and more people are starting to be a part of my life again. Which means more and more hearing of what is going on out there…
It is really a damned if you do damned if you don’t type of situation. I mean, for the longest time throughout this… the first 4 ½ years of my incarceration… I had no one.
It wasn’t until this past year and a half till everything changed. Major people started wanting to be in my life again. Especially lately.
It is such an awesome feeling… the only problem is it really sucks getting on the phone, hearing all about what is going on out there, and realizing “holy shit I still have a little more than a year of this left before I will be out there to experience all of what life is outside of these walls and fences.”
The type of shit I feel from that is crazy… sometimes I feel depressed and pissed off… I start to feel like “fuck the world…I’m in here.”
Then the worst feeling of all.
Directed at everyone.
Like why are you here now? And where the fuck were you when I really needed you? Damn near 6 years ago when I was at my lowest point that I nearly killed myself. I was all I had then to pull myself through that dark time.
Damned if you do.
Damed if you don’t.
See when I had nobody you couldn’t even begin to imagine the loneness that I felt. It was during that time that I was the most focus, driven and determined to change everything in my life.
I vowed to show everyone that someday I would be worth knowing.
Now I kinda feel like I am. Maybe that is why I am starting to have the support that I do.
Maybe people are starting to realize that Joe P. Guerrero is an AWESOME guy.
Hey… who’s awesome?
But it is the change in the tidal flow of my life that has impacted me drastically as a polar shift.
I’m in unfamiliar waters.
After so long with things being a certain way with me being incarcerated can I embrace the change that is happening now and that I have wanted throughout all of these years?
Can I get past all the crazy thoughts in my head? Accept all that is good without having to feel so paranoid about people’s intentions.
At this point I am like a badass 10 year old behind the wheel… There is like a very good likelihood that I will not only crash the car I will completely total the damn thing. Like a car stalled out on the train tracks… that bad.
Hopefully not though.
I guess only time will tell.