Ok. I’m back now.
No, really. I am.
Sorry, but like I had just recently told someone about why I hadn’t posted anything lately…I was on a bit of a sabbatical. I took some time off, and for a number of reasons too.
For one, I got caught up in “prison life” where the outside just didn’t seem to top my list of things that mattered for awhile. I’m sure that has got to sounds pretty crazy. But sometimes while in prison, you just have to sometimes forget about the outside world.
Plus, I got a little lazy and depressed too. Prison has a funny way of bringing that out of you when you are forced to be here.
Jen went on vacation too. So I used that as an excuse to not do much either.
Last, and my most fatal flaw. A deep dark secrete of mine… should be so lucky for me to admit such a thing. But, me and “responsibility”… sometimes we don’t do so “hot” together.
Sometimes I will have so much to do, or maybe not so much, maybe like one thing I am to be responsible for like this blog and I find myself saying like any other 31 one year old scum of the earth prisoner man who hasn’t amounted to shit up until this point… “Man, fuck that shit. I ain’t doing nothing”.
Eventually, though. That “irresponsibleness” subsides and I find myself where I currently am, still in prison. Yes, ready and eager to get back on track. Especially, when it comes to my awesome blog and all of you awesome people who read it for whatever reason.
And speaking of what I post for whatever reason… What the hell should I post anyways? I’m just thinking out loud at this point. I mean, so much- so much has gone on lately, where the hell should I even begin?
Guys beating the shit out of each other seems to be an everyday occurrence that bores me to the point of tears. So I will spare you the same old cliché of time spent in prison that you can probably already imagine for yourself.
I figure since I have been out of the loop for awhile, why not come back with a bang! Forget throwing gas on the fire here. How about we through a GRANDAE on it!?!
I’m about to tell you a little story about what I am dealing with sort of like right this moment actually. A story that only further emphasizes the point that my life is one screwed up little adventure that never seizes to amaze even myself.
The most un-amazeable.
It was a little more than a year ago on a Saturday in June. I was out on the soccer field when someone came out and said I had a visitor shocked, and taken by surprise, I rushed inside, took a quick shower, dressed and then rushed over to the visitation room. Not knowing what or who to expect for that matter, I walked in and saw that it was an ex girlfriend of mine who I had quite a long and dramatic history with. I hadn’t seen her in years, so long that in fact I almost didn’t recognize her.
I sat down where she and her friend were seated and we exchanged mild pleasantries then I asked the million dollar questing “why are you here?”
Then she got up and went to the drink machine leaving me and the friend there. The friend then said “I don’t know you, I just met you.” “But meeting you, I can tell that your ex’s oldest son is yours.”
“Oh, goodie.” Another one of these Maury type dramas that I am certainly no stranger too.
I told the friend “yeah right.” Maybe she didn’t know the history between this ex and I. But we had been through one of these paternity things in the past with her first child. Child had turned out to not only not be mine but to also not even be the same race as me. Yet, for the longest damn time this woman tried to put this child on me. That particular incident turned out to be so bad and it also broke my mother’s heart that to this day, my mother still hasn’t spoke to me…
And all of that happen over 8 years ago.
But, water under the bridge, right?
So the ex came back and sat down and then pulled out this picture that had been photo shopped to feature an old picture of me and the child’s face sorta like a side by side comparison.
I swear, I never felt more “Maury” like in my life then I did at that moment.
Did the child look like me? You might wonder. Well, I guess maybe a little. But then again pictures of kids can look like anyone if you really want them too, right?
Is there a possibility this child really could BE mine? Ugh yes. I certainly won’t deny the fact. But at the time this chick for pregnant I specifically remember her telling me it wasn’t mine. So from then on I completely forgot about the situation. Next time I heard anything about it was at this out of the blue visit where I was then being confronted with the fact that this child could be mine after like 6 or 7 years.
Oh, and throughout all this time, another man, the other man, had been raising the child as his own and even signed the birth certificate.
When I say this other man had been raising the child…that might really be giving this guy too much credit. I mean, he is a piece of shit like me. Only a lot worse.
Not really father material, this guy.
Involved in all the wrong shit, in and out of prison, just like myself… even on his way back there too from what I have heard.
Processing all this information a year ago, I really didn’t know what to do or think. So, I did what I usually do when confronted with things of the completely life altering caliber…
I laughed hysterically.
Hey, look I said “Forgive me if I don’t receive all of this so openly, but we have been through this before, your credit is no good here.”
With me completely unwelcoming of this news that is pretty much how the visit ended.
Well, now, over a year later I am once again hearing about this child and the possibility that it might be mine.
I have even heard that this chick got in touch with my brother and was trying to get him to take a DNA test.
I have heard that she wants me to take this DNA test because all parties involved have a right to know. I partly agree with that. But a bigger part of me thinks “What the fuck”.
All this time later… Why now?
What if this child is mine, that would be the worst thing because then I would be the piece of shit father who had spent all this time in and out of prison and missed out on so much of this child’s life.
I wouldn’t even know how to handle that sort of thing.
So it is that sort of thinking maybe I would be better off not knowing. Maybe everyone would.
But then again maybe that is the whole irresponsibleness thing kicking in again.
All I can be certain of is I am not trying to be the bad guy here. I’m just a guy caught up in a web of lies and deceit.
How all of this will eventually play out, who knows. I still have a prison sentence to worry about for the time being. I’m certainly in no position to be a father if this child is mine, especially right now.
From what I think I know I think the only way the true paternity of this child can be determined is if “I” push for it. I mean there is another man’s name on the birth certificate. So, this chick really has no leg to stand on to push for me to do anything if I decide not to. Oh, and by the way, as for the other guy, he has refused to take the DNA test.
I guess maybe he is not too sure either. I’m sure his worst fear would be knowing this child really was mine. Especially considering how we are like worst enemies too.
What to do right?
I mean what should I do? Could you imagine being in a situation like this? Unfortunately for me, I am and I don’t have a clue what to do about it.