“Oh my…what loud keys you have officer”

While incarcerated, I have to deal with a lot of different personalities and egos. Everyone here has their own little way they conduct themselves. Some are cool…But most are not.

Most are complete assholes.

This isn’t only true for other prisoners here, either. It’s just as true for staff here, as well.

Especially the correctional officers!

Throughout the 5 plus years I’ve spent incarcerated, I tested and proven a technique to decipher asshole officers from “cool” ones.

It goes like this…

The more shit a correctional officer carries around on his utility belt, like extra keys and chains and other noisemaking shit, and ultimately the more noise an officer makes through the “cangle-jangle” of that shit as he hurries importantly to and fro, the bigger of an ASSHOLE that officer is.

This is not theory.

This is proven scientific fact.

If an officer can carry enough shit, this making as much noise as possible, then I guess the logic is in the more noise he makes, the more attention he’ll receive and the more important he then FEELS.

I believe this to be highly comparable to a guy with a 4 inch “how the heck are ya!” Who goes out and buys a quarter million dollar Ferrari.

Total blatant over compensation!

Now, yes, not all asshole officers here carry every key they’ve ever had in their life. But, you can ret assured that every officer who does is an asshole, complete asshole.

I see these officers and often wonder how they act outside of their work environment. Like a 7-11 for example, where they’ve stopped before work to load up on 5 hour energy drinks. Do they cangle-jangle their way through the store and up to the cash register too? If so, and this is probably most certainly so, then they’re probably also out in the free world trying to portray some sense of themselves as an American Hero. Maybe they’d like the world to believe that a job in corrections is a comparable to being a member of Seal team 6. They obviously already think of themselves as that fucking important.

Personally, I can’t do anything to “lesson” the shit stain on life these assholes try to leave behind. All I can do is steer clear of them every chance I get. BUT YOU! OUT THERE IN THE WORLD WITH THEM AND INVINCABLE TO THEIR POWER TRIPS… All of you have the opportunity to bring them back to reality a little with no fear of being thrown in the hole.

If ever you come across one of these attention whores…whether it be an actual cangle-jangle correctional officer, or just some jackass on his cell phone who won’t shut the fuck up and wants the world to hear his call. Do me a favor, would you?

Walk right up to that person and say “Hey, asshole…Do you have to be SO FUCKING LOUD”!?!



One thought on ““Oh my…what loud keys you have officer”

  1. hahahah! I’ve seen those cops! I always thought the same thing, why do they have to have so much stuff attached to them. These types of characters always are written into movies and television sitcoms. As I was reading, it kind of reminds me of a French guy I dated.

    First, he was French (attitude)
    Next, he was short (attitude)
    Next, he was an under-cover RTD drug detective or something (he posed as a bum and chased down the dealers at the bus stop)…

    we went on maybe 2 dates- he looked for TROUBLE. I swear, he would not move off a busy sidewalk, but would purposely push his shoulder into much bigger guys walking in the opposite direction to prove some stupid point, that HE wasn’t going to move off the sidewalk and THEY would have to walk around him. I didn’t feel safer with him, I felt there would soon be some altercation. dumb + jerk + chip on shoulder = no more dates. 😦


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