“Community Voting Box”

Here’s a truth, prison can hinder the maturity level of grown men. Oh, and I’m certainly no exception here. I mean, I’m on my grown man shit like 37.2 percent of the time. But that other “whatever’s left” percent of the time, (yeah, my math really sucks.) Well, that remaining percent, I guess that’s where my many moments of weakness come into play. Where all of my maturity does a proverbial “swan dive” head dive into the window, ‘giving way to the childlike nature prison has in many ways reduce me to.’

Yes, I would wager all the chips on the table on the “safest bet” and say that incarceration, or more so, the ridiculous amount of my life that I’ve spent incarcerated thus far, has made me the man child I am today.

So, don’t cha see!?! I can’t FULLY be blamed for this asinine-humorous “alter ego” that has nestled itself comfortably inside my being.

Prison has made me the repulsive creature that I am today.

But, in all fairness, it is this “despicable” side of me that makes for some funny ass stories…and what follows, is a great example of just that.

To all of my ‘morally decent’ readers…EJECT NOW! Spare yourself these regurgitated words of putrid humor that are quickly approaching.

Or don’t, your choice.

The story begins…

Of prisoners, some would say we’re frozen in time. Preserved at the age we were first incarcerated at. Or, at lease in a sense of maturity, that is.

I believe this, too. It explains why 50+ year olds still act like they’re 17. I mean, you really haven’t had the full prison experience until you’ve seen a guy who is old enough to be your grand-dad running around with his pants sagging and rapping 2Chainz. Oh, and by the way, there’s a whooooole lot more that goes on that ‘prison experience’ list. This is just one of those things.

Another factor to all this is some guys just refuse to take this shit serious, and in a lot of ways how could you. This place is a fucking mad house. Dudes might as well be swinging from the rafters here. That’s how chaotic it is here at times. Not to mention everyone is always pissed off, walking around wanting one another. Everyone is waged in their own little war and most EVERYTHING is beyond our control. So, sometimes the best thing you can do is just find a reason to laugh.

To do this, we cause as much ruckus and mayhem as possible in an effort to find humor in a depressing situation that, for the most part, is pretty fucking “unbearable”.

It’s like the saying goes…”Sometimes you have to laugh just so you don’t hang yourself with the sheets.”

Or “cry”, I mean, I think “just so you don’t cry”, was how that saying is SUPPOSED to go.

And hey! There’s a lot of guys who refuse to cry here.

Some actually ‘DO’ though.

Those guys are total douchebags.

Let’s get to the “Community Voting Box” that’s what this story is suppose to be about and what I’ve been beating around the bush to get too.

OK…so this handy-dandy little device was the brainchild of some jackass here at the prison.

Oh, and the prison I am at, it’s considered a “Therapeutic Community:, this is a prison for guys with either drug and/or behavioral problems, like myself. I am “most” certainly a good fit for both of these categories.

Here at this facility, we’re supposed to act as a community where we learn to solve problems, resolve conflict and things like that.

What have I learned?

Good question.

I’ve learned nothing.

Well, some ingenious asshole here came up with the idea.

We should have a “community member of the week” every week.

Even better, we should vote for this person. And to do so, we should have a “community voting box.” This was just a simple cardboard box with a little slit on the top for anonymous ballet casting.

Yes, that’s right folks, the powers that be entrusted “us”, a bunch of immature idiots, thinking we would be mature enough to handle anonymous ballot voting…

We were not.

The box was introduced to the community within the 1st hour, it was completely desecrated. It was treated worse than some chicks “whore bag-best friend” who was drunk at a college party.

There must have been a hundred ballots cast just in that small amount of time, too. Most of these nominations seem to be for crudely drawn “cock and balls,” or little quips that are used frequently throughout the community such as “Eat this dick” and “Go fuck yourself.”

There were also “love letters” to staff from secret admired, one or two death threats, and a good assortment of trash.

If the box were a test to see if we could handle responsibility and for once in our pitiful lives take something serious, even such a small thing as to vote for a “community member of the week.” We failed miserably.

To tally the ballots there was a little door cut into the bottom of the box. There was serious deliberation about constructing a “pop up penis” that could be operated by the opening of the door. The “crème de la crème” if you will.

Sadly, our dream of seeing the faces of staff as they read the ballots and were pelted by unrelenting on-slaught of vulgar explicitness through every folded little gem never materialized.

Like every “good-bad” thing in life we try to get away with and don’t. Then end up in jail, possibly facing a life sentence for.

Someone had “tipped off” the cops.

They rained down on that box like the fucking BOMB SQUAD. Or, better yet, a hazmat crew. We then watched in horror as they used a lowly prisoner as a “human shield.”

They did their dirty work for them.

The cops made this inmate remove all of the “contamination”, and when he was done, I was actually surprised. There was still a few nominations in the box.

Real ones!

While we were so busy stuffing the box like a piñata full of crazy shit, others were actually using it for it’s intended purpose.

I guess there might be hope for some of us in the world after all, folks.

After a few days, the ballots were tallied and the winner of the first “community member of the week” award was announced. My buddy “Shep” lost to the “douchebag jackass” by 2 votes.


But in all fairness to the douchebag jackass, he probably deserved this award. Plus, he probably had all his little douchebag jackass friends vote for him, too.

He’s the type of guy who seems highly concerned for frivolous awards, so “kudos” to him for winning.

Maybe that will help him on a job resume.

Oh…and by the way.

After the first “trial run” of sorts, the box disappeared. It hasn’t been seen since.Image


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