“Eat it or Starve”

Wed. Jan 22, 2014

Do you know what one of my favorite things to wake up to has always been? Well, a good blow job is one of those things, of course. But that is not what I am talking about, here. I’m talking about snow y’all! Ain’t snow fucking awesome to wake up too!?! You wake up, pull back the curtains, and BOOM! There it is…snow.

No school. No work. Just white awesomeness…and maybe a blow job.

Do you know what one of my ‘least’ favorite things to wake up to is?

Snow…while in prison.

A blowjob plays ‘absolutely’ no part in this!

I woke up this morning and BOOM. There it was…snow.

I don’t go to breakfast a lot because it is usually enough to make me hate my fucking life. They feed us horribly here, and lately it seems to be getting a lot worse. Most mornings, I’d rather go without then having to deal with the bullshit of a sorry-ass prison breakfast. But this morning was different.

I got up at 5:30am like I do most mornings and turned the news on. (I’ve secretly been carrying on a secret relationship with WTKR’S Kristin Crowley.) The traffic chick. This has been going on for about 8 months, maybe 9, now. It’s a secret because she doesn’t know about it. I also kinda wonder how many other guys wake up looking forward to seeing this chick on t.v. Oh, c’mon! I can’t be the only one!

For at least the last year now I have woke up just to turn on the news, not caring about anything news related-only simply what this chick is wearing and to watch her “rip the runway” as she walks on camera during her segment.

But this morning I was struck by something other than “traffic chick” and that was the weather. According to the t.v. it was like 20 degrees outside, with a wind chill of (-1). Everything out in the “free world” was closed due to freezing conditions, snow drifts and accumulation. That sounded interesting enough to me to decide I was going to chow this morning.

I wanted to see what the conditions were like, first hand. I mean, I’ve been in prison for 5 years now. I have missed out on so much of everything. Weather conditions are a small part of that, but a part, none the less. So anytime there is a chance I’ll get to experience “unique conditions”, I like to try to take advantage of those opportunities.

During hurricane ‘Sandy’, I walked to chow, through horizontal rain and 60mph wind gust just so I could say I got to experience a little of that storm.

I’m weird, I guess. (Prison can make you that way. I mean, Jesus Christ! I’m stalking a traffic chick for God’s sake!!)

So…this morning I headed out into the cold for a pitiful breakfast and the chance to experience some snow.

The first crazy thing that happened had happened as soon as we piled out of our housing unit. We have a wheelchair guy here and he is pushed to and fro by a guy I like to refer to as the “douchebag jackass”. I call him this because I think he is such an awesome guy. Laugh. Seriously though, I fucking hate this guy.

The walkways were impassable for the wheelchair tag team. Snow drifts had left “snow-mounds” everywhere. So through wind gust and the mild chaos that came from everyone’s excitement for the snow, the wheelchair team quickly experienced turbulence and became stuck. The wheelchair had to then be abandoned, making the trek for wheelchair guy and the douchebag jackass impossibly difficult. For whatever reason, probably because I am a horrible person, I found this to be hilarious.

Now, I know what you are thinking. Probably something like I’m an asshole for finding humor in the hardships suffered by the handicap. But that’s really not the case at all. Actually, I kind of like wheelchair guy. In my defense, it was probably what douchebag jackass said the moment the wheelchair became stuck.

In the most country-backwoods-out-yonder-on the holler-yesteryear fucking voice, he said “GOTDAMMIT! This here wheelchair ain’t gon no far-DER. I RECKEN if we had us a tow winch and some mud bog tiyers we’d be cookin with bacon fat DEN.”

Country folk…bless their hearts.

I quickly beeline passed their difficulties. I mean, if they were in need of assistance, it damn sure wasn’t coming from me.

It was cold, Jack! And I was trying to get this show on the road.

Hiking through ‘Everest” type conditions, I made it to the chow hall.

The warden was standing in front of the building taking pictures of the snow with his IPhone.

“It’s so beautiful”, he said. “This camera phone doesn’t do its beauty justice”.

Ok…did he REALLY just say that a snow covered “PRISON” is beautiful!?! I thought to myself, but no time for that.

It was cold.

Freezing.

Painful.

Inside the chow hall, little warmth was present. What was most certainly present: a horrendously pitiful excuse for breakfast, this that is supposed to be our sustenance, our nourishment, what we survive on.

Bullshit.

For breakfast this morning they served (2) grayish-brown colored pancakes, half a handful of potato slices that might as well have been potato chips, and some watered down grits. Something like grit soup.

Some say these strange pancakes were “wheat pancakes”. I mean, is there even such a thing? Others say that the flour used to make the pancakes is so cheap not even “enriched-bleached flour”. I don’t know for sure. What I do know they tasted like shit… But I ate them anyways, because like the old head at the table with me said, “gotta eat it…eat it or starve”.

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